It’s already been a travel-heavy start to the year! I took another trip to Stowe for snowboarding, and weekend trips to Philly and Chicago. I couldn’t help but compare the latter two to New York. As year two in the city is almost half over, it’s always ripe for those questions of how long I plan to stay in NYC. I like the small-town college-y vibes of Philly and the museums of Chicago, but all in all it’s hard to see them hitting the spot that my heart has created for NYC. I guess my father wasn’t lying when he said that once you’re here you might just stay here forever.
Sometimes I think of LA and how much I wished to start there right after college, to continue my art education on the side and my dancing commitments at UCLA and to keep up with friends in the area. As I live my life in NYC, that alternate reality grows dimmer by the day. I would definitely return to LA if I was ever between jobs or if the tech bubble bursts for good, both of which are not too likely anytime soon. I get why the adults always tell us to do what we want to do while we’re young. It seems like the stakes of quitting everything and changing it up only grow higher by the day.
To be honest, sometimes I feel like I had a long daydream where the last I was aware was sometime late in 2018, only to wake up and realize that it’s already March 2019. I counted seconds the other day and couldn’t warp the my sensation of time ticking by focusing intently on something like I could do as a kid. In fact, the seconds seem like they’re going by faster, or maybe it’s just my growing fear of time and losing track of it.
As I see the months going by in my mind, as though in slow motion, I start coming to terms with things I never wanted to admit. I backup files that I know I’ll never look at again, or if I do I won’t even remember why I cared. I throw clothes in a donation box that I treasured only for the sake of delaying change. I add todos to a impossibly long list that I’ve told myself I could complete some day. I accept that many things on this bucket list I won’t get to, and I hope that this realization is a way for me to start doing things I’ve never prioritized. I realize that many entries I wrote down years ago no longer apply to my present-day self.
And I try to fast-forward my thoughts. I’ve spent too much time in mind-holes and spirals where I seem to have to think through every minute detail, no matter how insignificant. I’m done with overthinking, but as it’s a hard habit to break this is currently a good middle ground.
Anyways – happy 2019, folks! Until the next post.
Current Writing Drink: Makeshift Daiquiri
If you’re on Instagram, consider following my art account at @kellyeidoscope. I’m working on a painting and have set a hard deadline (5th-ish hard deadline so far, hopefully this one works) for April.